"The" Post Part IV - We all knew it was coming, but it didn't make it any easier to hear.


Mom had come to save the day and made things lots better the way that only Moms can.  But, it was time for her to get back to her job and to my Father who was missing her terribly.  It was a sad good-bye as she knew I still had a difficult road ahead.

I went to my appointment to see the Oncologist.  I knew what was coming.  Hubby and I had discussed in depth that there was really only one road left to take.  It still didn't make it any easier as the Oncologist and the nurse sat with tears in their eyes and told me I would have to have a hysterectomy.  These past five months of hell were all for nothing.  I would be losing my ability to have another child.

I was very brave in the office.  I told them how much I appreciated all they had done, how much their endless compassion and humor helped me through this whole thing.  I was even brave when I called Hubby to tell him that indeed what we thought was going to be happening.  Then I numbly drove myself home.  All my bravery left as I lay on the floor of the nursery wailing and crying and screaming.  My four legged baby sat by my side not sure what to do, but knowing I needed him.  About the time Hubby and the Boy should be home, I did what all Moms would do.  I got myself up, washed my face and put on a smile.

The next day we found out that the only cancer hospital that could fit me in that week was in downtown Toronto.  I would be having my surgery in three days.  Hubby and I had very mature, emotionally detached conversation about how it was most important that the Boy was kept in his routine.  That we need to save Hubby's vacation days for after I got home.

The pre-surgery ordeal was less than fun.  Because I had a confirmed, rather large blood clot, they needed to make sure I didn't have any more waiting to detach and start roaming my body.  Have you ever had a full body ultra-sound?  It gives the term I feel like I was hit by a bus a whole new meaning. I was black and blue all over by the end.

They wanted me to check in a day early.  So the next day Hubby brought me to the hospital and we got me all checked in.  I was given a lovely gown, but negotiated being able to stay in my clothes until absolutely necessary.  Hubby had to leave a little early to make it all the way back to our town in time to pick up the boy. We decided to tell him that I was going to a Mom's week away to a spa with one of my friends.  It was the worst spa I have ever been to!

After he left, they brought me in a gallon jug and told me I need to drink it all to clear the pipes.  It was so gross!  I downed glass after glass feeling like my college days were finally paying off.  I finally finished and the next time the nurse came in I told her I was done.  Her response was "Hmmm.  I've never seen anyone finish it before."  What?!  That was an option?????  I was lucky enough to be in a room by myself for the night so I actually got to relax and get a decent nights sleep.

Early the next morning they came to get me to get a blood filter inserted.  Although the ultrasound didn't show any blood clots, to be safe they wanted to insert a mesh umbrella to catch any blood clots that may want to travel.  I was wheeled on a bed down to the procedure room.  It is a very odd feeling to be perfectly capable to walk on your own, but be wheeled around by strangers.  In the procedure room, the doctor told me the numbing would be the worst part and would feel like a bee sting.  He lied!  It felt like an entire nest of wasps converged on one spot!  He then made a cut into my jugular vein and ran the tube containing the filter down into my chest.  It is very disconcerting to feel tugging and pulling going on inside your body, but you don't feel any pain.

Hubby made it and we were taken into pre-op to wait our turn for a theatre.  There are two things you need to know about Hubby.  First, he loves to people watch.  Take him to a mall or an airport and he can be entertained for hours.  Second, he love technology.  Any machine is completely fascinating to him.  He was in his element.  I got to hear about every curtained off area.  He was investigating every machine.  He was simply entertaining.  Then, it was my turn.  Hugs and kisses and I was wheeled into the operating room.

The operating room was nothing like I expected.  There were easily 15 people in there.  It seems yet again my very rare cancer was a draw.  I fell asleep hearing excited whispers about how they would probably never again get an opportunity to see one of these tumors.  It's nice to be so interesting.

I woke up with a lovely device attached.  It seems this spa provided fantastical drugs like morphine.  I loved everyone and everything and felt absolutely no pain.  Hubby was there and life was good!  Again lots of surprise that I came out of anesthesia so well and I was quickly moved to my permanent room.

I was put into a critical care unit.  It's a really large room with four beds and a nurse permanently stationed in it.  Hubby got me situated, made sure my cable was turned on, I had magazines, lotion etc. and then it was time for him to leave.  It was a very hard good-bye.  I wouldn't be seeing him again until it was time for me to be discharged.   Even the morphine couldn't make that okay.

I had two neighbors Mary and Diane.  Mary had been fighting colon cancer for years and finally had a huge section of her colon removed.  Diane had pancreatic cancer and had to have a shunt put in to help fight a secondary infection.  They were both mother's with kids my age and we spent the next week getting to know one another quite well.  We were all from the burbs and it was difficult for our families to get in to see us.  The second day in, the came and took my morphine machine away.  Infidels! Percocet and I became good friend again.

I had a cheer leading team  in Mary and Diane.  Every time I got up to walk around the corridor, they were rooting me on and reminding me I was getting one step closer to going home.  The outfit was amazing.  The white tights, the blue and white dress and robe, the fancy blue IV pole.  It was all very color coordinated.  We talked about life, our cancers, being a Mom, celebrities, baking.  I remember a very poignant conversation with Diane about how the doctors said she wasn't going to make it, but she just didn't feel like it was her time to go yet.

I had a particular doctor that we all waited for every day.  He was English and quite easy on the eyes.  He wore tweed jackets, sweater vests and glasses.  But, he pulled it off well.  He was my real life Daniel Jackson topped with an English accent!  His mannerisms didn't quite match what you would expect with the accent and the clothes.  He would tell me all the medical things I needed to know, then he would open the curtain, lay across the foot of my bed and chat with us three ladies for awhile.  It was the highlight of our days.

It was that week I learned the power of touch.  A week of no hugs or kisses or hand holding.  No snuggling on the couch.  It was a week devoid of touch.  I talked to my family, Hubby and the Boy on a daily basis.  But, I felt so very, very alone.  It was the loneliest week of my life.

Slowly the IVs were removed and I was finally given the okay to go home.  I thought about getting Mary and Diane's contact info.  In the end, I decided I would prefer to make up my own happy endings for them.  I was so very excited to finally see Hubby again!  He made it in and we started the trek home.  Let me tell you, you feel each and every pot hole when you have an incision from your belly button to your pubic bone!  It was the most painful ride I have ever taken!  Poor Hubby was completely white knuckled the entire drive home.

Once Hubby got me settled at home, he went to pick up the Boy.  Although every hug hurt, I couldn't get enough.  I was finally home in more ways than one.

to be continued on "The" Post Part V - The Aftermath

How is he still surprised?

What did the boy say now?


This morning Hubby challenged the Dog to yet another wrestling match.  I don't why he continues to do this.    The score is something like the Dog 1,254, Hubby 0.  This morning the match was quite quick as the Dog hit Hubby in the face with his head.  Boxers (both human and canine) everywhere were envious of the beautiful hit.  Hubby ended up with a bloody, swollen lip.

The Boy:  Oh Daddy!  I'm so sorry you got hurt!  I'm going to do anything you want to make you feel better today.
Hubby:  Well, you could rub my feet.  That always makes me feel better.
The Boy:  Mommy is really good at rubbing feet.

Thanks kid, thanks a lot.


How is he still surprised?


I love holidays.  I was blessed to have parents who made each and every holiday special.  I think it was mainly my Mom doing the work, but my Dad never had any problem with her doing things a little different.  Take Valentine's Day.  The very mention of the holiday causes groans from single and partnered people alike.  To me and my sister, it was a day of excitement!   Mom made it a day just to celebrate the people you love.  It makes sense.  You have days to celebrate your individual relationship already.  Why not have a day just to celebrate everyone you love?

My Mom usually put out a few decorations ahead of time to start getting us in the spirit. The night before, we got some new pajamas.  The morning of Valentine's Day, we would have presents waiting for us on the hearth of the fireplace.  It was usually lip gloss, lotions, nail polish, hair stuff ... you know, all the stuff girls love!  Dad often got all of us flowers.  Maybe a new sweater or something else we had been talking about, but nothing too expensive or crazy.  Then that night, with Mom as the head chef and my sister and I assisting, we would put together some of the most amazing meals.  We would all eat by candlelight and just bask in the glow of the love of our family.  Mom and Dad would exchange gifts if the budget allowed for it that year and showed us just exactly what a marriage and family should be.

So, I know what you're thinking.  Those poor men that we would someday date and marry!  In some ways, you are right.  I always felt a little bad when I had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day and he would spend his hard earned money on taking me out.  We would wait for hours to get a table.  The food would be okay.  The flowers nice, but not necessarily my favorite like my Dad would know to get.  All the while, I'm thinking about what I am missing at home.  But, I really appreciated the effort they put into trying to make the night perfect.  They just had a really hard act to follow.  I think that was the best gift my parents gave us.  To not only know what we should expect, but to appreciate the effort behind it not the money.

So, I think what all this is leading to is to make you understand how even an almost non-holiday like Valentine's Day to have such special memories, holidays were amazing to me.  And, they still are.

Our new house has a great storage area in the basement.  It is huge!  I immediately thought what every woman would think .... We need more decorations!  So, in order to make that space feel more homey, the Boy and I went out to the local dollar store and stocked up for Valentine's Day.  We decorated today and it looks fantastic!  You may be thinking it is a little early for Valentine's Day decorating and you're probably right.  The combination of being depressed with all the Christmas and New Years decorations down and not being able to paint the walls yet made me decorate a little early this year.

The boy and I have been putting up window clings.  His aren't exactly what I would have done, but I love the imperfections and mostly the pride in his face when he sees what he has done.  He helped me decide how to do the garland over the windows and where to put up all the hanging cupids and hearts.  We had also previously picked up some heart pillows and made some Valentine stuffed animals at Build a Bear.

But, here is the thing.  Hubby seemed honestly surprised that I would do this.  How can that be?  Has he been absent for every other holiday?  Pregnant, sicker than a dog, it didn't matter I still decorated and celebrated every holiday since we have been together.  It's been almost nine years we have been living in the same house!  Honestly, I love that I can still make him drop his jaw and give me that unique mixed look of "you amaze me" and "do we need to get you medication".  I think it keeps a relationship fresh!

I love the way the house looks now.  I'm waiting to put out the outdoor decorations until February 1st.  While I love that look from Hubby, not sure I want to get it from the neighbors!  I can just sit on the couch reading a book, sipping coffee and surrounded by everything to do with love!  The icing on the cake was when the Boy looked around and said with a quiet voice "Mommy, our house looks magical".  Maybe, just maybe, we might be doing as well as my parents making life a little more magical and filled with love.

Meet the Family!

What did the Boy say now?

This is a little old, but a great one.  We had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of our new little nephew.  Finally, he deemed us worthy of his presence three days past his due date.  I was very excited to get to finally meet him and had the Boy all ready to go when Hubby got home from work.  We decided to stop by the McDonalds drive through at the service center between our two towns for dinner to save some time.

Me:  Are you super excited to meet your new baby cousin?

The Boy:  I sure am!  (several seconds of silence)  My heart is warm.

Me:  Ooooohhhhhhhhh!  Your love for your cousin is making your heart warm?

The Boy:  No, the chicken nuggets are hot and making my heart warm.

Me:  Oh.  Sigh.

Hubby:  Bwhahahahahahha

Meet the Family!

I realized I am going to inevitably be talking about these people a lot, and you may not know who they are.  So, here is a brief introduction.

Hubby - I first met hubby when we were working together, in different countries over 10 years ago.  You really get to know someone as you see them handle irate (and often irrational) VPs and at the same time they are also trying to solve the issue.  Hubby was the only one I ever saw that could actually get them to calm down and laugh.  The more I got know him, the funnier, smarter and more reliable I found him to be.  Those are all very attractive traits!  He continues to be the funniest person I know and handles this irate gal very well.  And yes, I usually end up laughing.  I'm still not entirely sure how he does it, but he is most certainly my compliment in every way. He is a telecommunications analyst for a major cell phone corporation.  We live in Kitchener, you figure it out!

The Boy - The boy is five, almost six, and absolutely the best thing I have ever done.  When I was pregnant, the only hope I had was that he would have my husbands laid back personality.  No such luck!  Hubby often says we have stubborn offs.  He is a great combination of us though, I think.  He is very funny and got his comedic timing early.  I don't know many 14 month olds that get that a prat fall is funny.  He is smart, too smart sometimes.  We are afraid of the teenage years as we are just barely keeping ahead of him now.  These are the wonderful traits he got from my husband.  He also has no fear, even when he probably should.  He is stubborn, but that can be good too.  The quickest way to get him to do something is to tell him he can't.  He is compassionate and becoming more aware of the world everyday.  I like to think he got those things from me.  I know we are his parents and biased, but we get lots of unsolicited comments from strangers that say the same thing so we feel justified in thinking our son is made of pure awesome sauce!

The Dog - My 30th birthday was rolling around and I was a little glum.  I didn't mind the age thing, I just always had pictured my life different when I hit that age.  I was living in what was really Hubby's house.  I was in a relationship, a great relationship, but not married.  No pitter patter of little feet running through the house.  Hubby had planned a really romantic trip to Montreal for my birthday.  We had also been in loose talks about getting a dog.  I realized I could solve the pitter patter problem!  I asked Hubby if we could get a puppy instead of the trip.  He said yes!  Now, I know how to pick out dogs.  I know to check carefully for hip and eye checks of both the parents and to ask things about the temperament.  We were going to dutifully check out many different breeders until we found one we were comfortable with.  All that went out the window when we went to the first breeder and saw our baby!  He was wrestling all the other puppies who seemed to be rather sleepy.  The breeder said not to worry about his tummy being so big, he had somehow broken into the room with the food and they found him eating merrily in the bag of food.  Well, that just proved his was meant to be ours!  (Hubby and I might both have rounder tummies as well!)  Luckily, the breeder was great and showed us all the documentation we should have asked for in the first place.  All those things that we found so adorable ended up being our curse for the first two years.  He needed to be walked for hours just to calm him down.  And, to be honest, the food thing is still a bit of an issue.  He is now almost eight and still has such a special place in my heart.  He is my buddy and has been my shoulder to cry on through the rough patches.  He is such a goof, which makes him a perfect part of our family.

So there are the main players in my life.  My three leading men.  I have been so blessed by them all.  They make me better and make my life make sense.