"The" Post Part I - The Diagnosis


So, it's been awhile.  I was chugging merrily along and enjoying this whole blogging thing.  Then, I started on one of the main reasons I started this blog and it died.  When I say I was recommended to do this by a therapist, it's really not a joke no matter how much I wish it was.  So here it goes.

Like most couples, Hubby and I had discussed children before we married.  We had decided two children, two years apart and that we would start trying after our first wedding anniversary.  Three weeks after our wedding anniversary, we had a positive test!  We were shocked, completely and utterly shocked.  Most couples we know struggled with infertility.  And, most couples we knew were in far better health than we were.  We high fived each other and congratulated each other on our amazing reproductive skills.  We didn't understand, but we felt truly blessed.

The pregnancy went along nicely.  A few oddities here and there, but nothing outside the realm of a normal pregnancy.  Setting the tone for the rest of his life, the boy came on his own terms.  He was 10 days late.  The first year was figuring out what worked and what didn't work for our family.  We hit our stride right about the time I had to go back to work.  Things were good.

About six months later, the boy was 18 months and we were ready to try for number two. This time it didn't happen so easily.  After months of trying, we finally resorted to the dreaded charting.  Finally, in early March we got a positive test!  But, I can't say I felt very pregnant.  I just figured each pregnancy would be different and I was worrying too much.  In mid April, that little Angel decided that they weren't ready to leave Heaven just yet.  We lost the baby.  There was some worry that it had been a tubal pregnancy and I was advised to wait three months to try again.  My HCG levels were followed until they reached under 5.

It was a tough blow.  But all things considered, this was more what we had prepped ourselves for when we first started trying.  We were older.  We weren't in the best physical health.  We had no reason to believe that this was going to be easy. We took a couple of months off and the release from all the pressure was nice.  We were able to focus on our family that we already had and our marriage.  It was time that we desperately needed, but didn't know it.

July came around and we started trying again.  In late July, another positive test!  Boy did I feel pregnant.  I was more nauseous than I had ever been.  My tummy was getting hard and my clothes didn't fit quite right pretty quickly.  I had always heard that you showed faster with subsequent pregnancies, so I figured everything was going great!  We told family and some close friends.  We were happy.

Then it started happening again.  I was bleeding a lot.  I went to our family doctor.  He gave me a pregnancy test that came back positive within seconds.  He felt that I needed more attention quickly and called ahead to have me admitted to emergency due to the previous tubal pregnancy.  I went to the hospital and was given another blood test.  My HCG levels were quite high, but all other evidence pointed to me losing the pregnancy.  The ER OB was amazingly sweet.  She remembered me from my pregnancy with the boy as well as when I had miscarried earlier in the year.  It's funny how those things work.  When I was pregnant with the boy, she was one of the OBs in the practice where I went.  I remember saying that I didn't care who was on duty when I delivered as long as it wasn't her.  It turned out she wasn't the one, but now I could not have liked her more.  She did ask me to come back to emergency in three days to get another blood test to make sure my HCG levels were dropping.

I continued to bleed over the weekend and was quite sure my body was taking care of the pregnancy.  I went to get my blood test done the following week.  I was called at home within hours by the doctor.  She told me that she wanted me to get an ultrasound done the following morning.  My HCG levels had tripled over the weekend.  Being a member of the computer generation, this immediately sent me to Google.  I found article after article that talked about reasons your HCG would go up so high after seeming to miscarry.  They all headlined that the main reason would be if you were pregnant with fraternal twins and one wasn't viable but the other was. Could this be?  Could I still be pregnant?  I mean, my Aunt had fraternal twins.  It's not completely crazy.  I was kind of excited to go to the ultrasound after that.  Maybe this wasn't going to be another heart break after all.

I went the next morning to have the ultrasound.  The technician was really quiet through the whole thing.  She left a couple of times to get someone else to look at her pictures and make sure they were right.  It all seemed kind of weird to me.  I thought maybe she was new.  At the end of the session, she asked me to get cleaned up and wait in the room to talk to the Radiologist.  This was the time that my spidey senses really went off.  I had many ultrasounds with the boy.  I had a few with the previous miscarriage.  Not once did I talk to a Radiologist.  I waited for about 15 minutes feeling like I was going to throw up at any given moment.

The Radiologist finally came into the room and told me that I needed to talk to my OB today.  As soon as possible.  It needed to be today.  Did I understand?  Today.  If I wasn't mostly numb at this point, I probably would have been completely freaking out.  I called the OB office and made an appointment for one hour later.  I then called Hubby and told him that he needed to come.  He needed to come now.  I wasn't really in a place where I could listen and retain anything anyone was saying to me.

We met with the OB and she had grim news for us.  It turned out what I had was a molar pregnancy.  It seems the egg should never have been fertilized.  It was completely lacking any chromosomes.  In the absence of these chromosomes, the fertilized egg duplicated the paternal chromosomes creating an abnormal "grape like" growth that grows very fast.  It was never a embryo, it was always a growth.  These pregnancies happen to less than 1 in 1000 women who ever get pregnant.  Very rare.  But you know, life persists.  Well, honestly, I think these are all the things she said.  These are the things I know now like the back of my hand.  I was in a complete state of numbness at the time.  Hubby says that these are the things we were told.  I do remember her saying that a D&C clears up 99% of the cases and I needed to have one as soon as possible.  As in tomorrow, the day Hubby was flying out for his boys trip to Vegas.

Hubby wanted to cancel his trip.  I insisted that he go.  We had a very stressful year and he needed this.  It was a simple out patient surgery that hundreds if not thousands of women had done every day.  The next morning, with mixed emotions, Hubby headed out to Vegas.  I took the boy to daycare.  I had planned on driving myself to the hospital.  But a very wonderful Angel of a friend whose husband was also on the boys trip insisted there was no way that was going to happen.  She arranged for her sister to watch her boys so she could take me.  The surgery went off without a hitch.  My girlfriend could not believe how quickly I shook off the anesthesia and she took me where any respectable girlfriend would take you, Baskin Robbins.  I picked up the boy from Daycare and went over to her house to have dinner so I could relax and the boys could play together.

Hubby and I talked that night and he was very relieved to hear I was fine and that everything went well.   To this day, I'm not sure how much fun he had on that trip.  I hope he had a blast because our lives were about to change forever.  I don't think either of us have been the happy-go-lucky people we were before this happened ever again.  There are days I really miss those people.

I'm a stats person.  I love stats.  It seems stats hate me.   This will be prevalent theme throughout these posts.  So, you look at less than 1 in 1000 women who ever get pregnant has a molar pregnancy.  Of those, 99% have a D&C, wait six months and then get to start trying again.  In this case, I am truly the 1%.

I went for a blood test a week after my D&C.  My HCG levels had dropped to 45,000 the day after the surgery.  A week later, they were 198,000.  It seems my particular "pregnancy" had taken root in my uterus.  A meeting with my now very favorite doctor was called.  Hubby and I went not knowing what to expect.  Google was no longer my friend.  Google had told me I was pregnant with twins and that was a big, fat lie!  I hadn't Googled very much on molar pregnancies and what I had went along with the D&C will cure it.  So yeah Google, you and I have some serious issues with your continual lying.

Hubby and I started learning a whole new vocabulary in that meeting.  I no longer had a molar pregnancy.  I now had gestational trophoblastic neoplasia.  All the hip kids just call it GTN.  She had already consulted with the foremost Canadian specialist on this who happened to work at Princess Margaret in Toronto (one of the very best cancer hospitals in all of North America) and I had an appointment with him the next day.  I can't say Hubby or I have very clear memories of what was said in that meeting.  I remember words like "chemo" and "cancer but not like normal cancer".  I'm still not sure what that exactly means.  Is cancer ever normal?

The call to my parents took every bit of courage I had.  Hubby offered to do it for me, but it was something I needed to do.  I'm a parent now.  I get it.  I can't imagine getting the call that my child 2000 miles away was going to talk to a specialist to begin chemo treatments.  Mom, of course, wanted to get on the next plane.  I asked her to wait.  That we didn't know where this was going to take us and I would rather wait until we really needed her.  Best. Decision. EVER!  She reluctantly agreed.  I'm sure my family and Google spent a lot of time together over the next couple of months.

With that behind me, I did what any good stats person would do.  I sat down at a computer and started researching this 1% club of which I was now a member.  I needed to be prepared.  And, quite honestly, it was much easier to do this than try to identify anything I was feeling.  One thing I knew for sure at the end of the night, my life and my family were about to be completely turned upside down.  I just had no concept of what that term meant at that time.

(to be continued on "The" Post Part II - Sometimes the treatment is as scary as the disease)

Paper Mache Mayhem

What did the Boy say now?


The Boy:  Mom, this is my Lego guy Bleeker (sp?), he can run really fast and has a grappling hook.
Me: Wow.  He looks pretty cool!
three minutes later
The Boy:  Mom, this is my Lego guy Blaster, he can jump really high and has a a flame thrower.
Me:  Oh.  I thought his name was Bleeker?
The Boy:  (with total disgust)  Mom!  I put a hat on him!
Me:  How silly of me to have missed that.

Paper Mache Mayhem!


Yesterday, Hubby helped a friend move into his new place.  That left me and the Boy with the day to fill.  I don't know exactly what came over me, but I decided to be Crafty Mom!  I heard theme music in the background, a wind blew my craft paper cape making it ripple behind my back.  Hands were firmly on hips.  I was simply amazing!  I looked online and decided on a paper mache volcano.  But not just a volcano, it needed to be a volcano we could eventually make erupt!

Here are the problems, we don't have tape like the instructions require.  We also don't have any paint.  But I am Crafty Mom right now and that won't stop me!  We have food coloring to put in the paste and we can use the paste to hold the frame on to the water bottle.  Easy, peasy.  In my head, we stand side by side making flour paste on the stove, the Boy in awe of my know how.  We then construct the frame together, rip up some newspaper and paper mache the heck out of that thing.

We measure out the ingredients, put in the pan and began whisking away.  Wait, where is the Boy?  Wasn't he just here with me enjoying this bonding experience?  Oh, he's downstairs playing with Lego.  That's okay.  Once we hit the building part he will love that!  He loves Lego, why wouldn't he love that?

So with the paste made and the table all protected I called the Boy back up.  I tell him how we have to build the frame.  He says "Oh, I'll be right back.  Go ahead and start though."  I think that my little building genius has some great idea that would make this project even better!  I'm such a lucky Mom to have such an industrious little guy.  I have the frame half built now.  Where is he?  I call again to the basement again.  He tells me just a minute, he can't find it.  So I just about get this thing built and up he comes with safety goggles on looking very proud.  Are you kidding me?  I just built the thing by myself because he needed safety goggles.  Grrr.  Oh well, I'm not going to let this ruin our special bonding time.  And well, safety first!

It is time to begin the real magic.  I just know we are going to have the time our lives now!  What kid doesn't want to play in goo and build a volcano?  I really am a great Mom.  But wait, I almost forgot.  I have the only kid in the world who doesn't like to get his hands dirty.  He finds the glue completely gross.  His third piece in, he starts gagging because the glue is "soooooooooooo gross".  But, don't you worry.  He managed to drip some glue on my cloth covered dining room chair making those three pieces.  You know, the glue that has the blue food dye in it.  Perhaps that is why all those craft websites never suggested food dye in the glue.  I'm beginning to doubt my Crafty Mom status.

I get the glue off as best I can and get his hands washed.  But, I am determined to do this together.  I tell him why don't you let Mommy do the gooey part and you can tell me where to put them.  Two strips later, "This is boring" and off he goes to play Lego again.  I'm too far into this thing now to quit.  So, I completed our my volcano by myself.  After cleaning up all the mess, I made mac and cheese for dinner and had a large glass of wine followed by a half hour shower .... to get all the glue out of my hair.

The Boy and I snuggled up in the "big bed", our bed, and he drifted off to sleep.  I sneaked out and took another look at my volcano.  Hmmmm.  It doesn't quite look like the pictures we saw.  It's skinnier and maybe a little ( a lot ) skinnier on some sides as others.  It must just need to dry.  I'm sure that is it.  Maybe I should reconsider Crafty Mom status; at the very least I should switch it to crafty mom.  I'm not sure I deserve the capitals at this point.  Everything always looks better in the morning though.  I will hang on to that for tonight.

So this morning things are bright and cheery!  The volcano doesn't look any better by daylight, but the explosion is going to be fantastic! We anxiously await for Hubby to wake up.  9:00 is all we can stand.  We all get up and set up in the garage for the greatest explosion of the decade!

Have you ever played golf?  If you play like me, you play 17.5 holes of completely crappy golf.  But, there is this one shot that is amazing!  You connect perfectly, you hit with the perfect amount of force and the ball does exactly what you want.  It's the sweet shot.  It's the one that makes you think the next time someone wants to go golfing that you really love that game.  Well, that face at the end, that was my sweet shot of the whole project.

What's that Crafty Mom?  Wait, don't tell me.  I certainly don't want to go through all that again.  Oh.  You are right Crafty Mom.  That eruption would be better if we used Diet Coke and Menthos.  But don't tell Hubby we are talking again.

How is he still surprised?

What did the boy say now?


This morning Hubby challenged the Dog to yet another wrestling match.  I don't why he continues to do this.    The score is something like the Dog 1,254, Hubby 0.  This morning the match was quite quick as the Dog hit Hubby in the face with his head.  Boxers (both human and canine) everywhere were envious of the beautiful hit.  Hubby ended up with a bloody, swollen lip.

The Boy:  Oh Daddy!  I'm so sorry you got hurt!  I'm going to do anything you want to make you feel better today.
Hubby:  Well, you could rub my feet.  That always makes me feel better.
The Boy:  Mommy is really good at rubbing feet.

Thanks kid, thanks a lot.


How is he still surprised?


I love holidays.  I was blessed to have parents who made each and every holiday special.  I think it was mainly my Mom doing the work, but my Dad never had any problem with her doing things a little different.  Take Valentine's Day.  The very mention of the holiday causes groans from single and partnered people alike.  To me and my sister, it was a day of excitement!   Mom made it a day just to celebrate the people you love.  It makes sense.  You have days to celebrate your individual relationship already.  Why not have a day just to celebrate everyone you love?

My Mom usually put out a few decorations ahead of time to start getting us in the spirit. The night before, we got some new pajamas.  The morning of Valentine's Day, we would have presents waiting for us on the hearth of the fireplace.  It was usually lip gloss, lotions, nail polish, hair stuff ... you know, all the stuff girls love!  Dad often got all of us flowers.  Maybe a new sweater or something else we had been talking about, but nothing too expensive or crazy.  Then that night, with Mom as the head chef and my sister and I assisting, we would put together some of the most amazing meals.  We would all eat by candlelight and just bask in the glow of the love of our family.  Mom and Dad would exchange gifts if the budget allowed for it that year and showed us just exactly what a marriage and family should be.

So, I know what you're thinking.  Those poor men that we would someday date and marry!  In some ways, you are right.  I always felt a little bad when I had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day and he would spend his hard earned money on taking me out.  We would wait for hours to get a table.  The food would be okay.  The flowers nice, but not necessarily my favorite like my Dad would know to get.  All the while, I'm thinking about what I am missing at home.  But, I really appreciated the effort they put into trying to make the night perfect.  They just had a really hard act to follow.  I think that was the best gift my parents gave us.  To not only know what we should expect, but to appreciate the effort behind it not the money.

So, I think what all this is leading to is to make you understand how even an almost non-holiday like Valentine's Day to have such special memories, holidays were amazing to me.  And, they still are.

Our new house has a great storage area in the basement.  It is huge!  I immediately thought what every woman would think .... We need more decorations!  So, in order to make that space feel more homey, the Boy and I went out to the local dollar store and stocked up for Valentine's Day.  We decorated today and it looks fantastic!  You may be thinking it is a little early for Valentine's Day decorating and you're probably right.  The combination of being depressed with all the Christmas and New Years decorations down and not being able to paint the walls yet made me decorate a little early this year.

The boy and I have been putting up window clings.  His aren't exactly what I would have done, but I love the imperfections and mostly the pride in his face when he sees what he has done.  He helped me decide how to do the garland over the windows and where to put up all the hanging cupids and hearts.  We had also previously picked up some heart pillows and made some Valentine stuffed animals at Build a Bear.

But, here is the thing.  Hubby seemed honestly surprised that I would do this.  How can that be?  Has he been absent for every other holiday?  Pregnant, sicker than a dog, it didn't matter I still decorated and celebrated every holiday since we have been together.  It's been almost nine years we have been living in the same house!  Honestly, I love that I can still make him drop his jaw and give me that unique mixed look of "you amaze me" and "do we need to get you medication".  I think it keeps a relationship fresh!

I love the way the house looks now.  I'm waiting to put out the outdoor decorations until February 1st.  While I love that look from Hubby, not sure I want to get it from the neighbors!  I can just sit on the couch reading a book, sipping coffee and surrounded by everything to do with love!  The icing on the cake was when the Boy looked around and said with a quiet voice "Mommy, our house looks magical".  Maybe, just maybe, we might be doing as well as my parents making life a little more magical and filled with love.

Meet the Family!

What did the Boy say now?

This is a little old, but a great one.  We had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of our new little nephew.  Finally, he deemed us worthy of his presence three days past his due date.  I was very excited to get to finally meet him and had the Boy all ready to go when Hubby got home from work.  We decided to stop by the McDonalds drive through at the service center between our two towns for dinner to save some time.

Me:  Are you super excited to meet your new baby cousin?

The Boy:  I sure am!  (several seconds of silence)  My heart is warm.

Me:  Ooooohhhhhhhhh!  Your love for your cousin is making your heart warm?

The Boy:  No, the chicken nuggets are hot and making my heart warm.

Me:  Oh.  Sigh.

Hubby:  Bwhahahahahahha

Meet the Family!

I realized I am going to inevitably be talking about these people a lot, and you may not know who they are.  So, here is a brief introduction.

Hubby - I first met hubby when we were working together, in different countries over 10 years ago.  You really get to know someone as you see them handle irate (and often irrational) VPs and at the same time they are also trying to solve the issue.  Hubby was the only one I ever saw that could actually get them to calm down and laugh.  The more I got know him, the funnier, smarter and more reliable I found him to be.  Those are all very attractive traits!  He continues to be the funniest person I know and handles this irate gal very well.  And yes, I usually end up laughing.  I'm still not entirely sure how he does it, but he is most certainly my compliment in every way. He is a telecommunications analyst for a major cell phone corporation.  We live in Kitchener, you figure it out!

The Boy - The boy is five, almost six, and absolutely the best thing I have ever done.  When I was pregnant, the only hope I had was that he would have my husbands laid back personality.  No such luck!  Hubby often says we have stubborn offs.  He is a great combination of us though, I think.  He is very funny and got his comedic timing early.  I don't know many 14 month olds that get that a prat fall is funny.  He is smart, too smart sometimes.  We are afraid of the teenage years as we are just barely keeping ahead of him now.  These are the wonderful traits he got from my husband.  He also has no fear, even when he probably should.  He is stubborn, but that can be good too.  The quickest way to get him to do something is to tell him he can't.  He is compassionate and becoming more aware of the world everyday.  I like to think he got those things from me.  I know we are his parents and biased, but we get lots of unsolicited comments from strangers that say the same thing so we feel justified in thinking our son is made of pure awesome sauce!

The Dog - My 30th birthday was rolling around and I was a little glum.  I didn't mind the age thing, I just always had pictured my life different when I hit that age.  I was living in what was really Hubby's house.  I was in a relationship, a great relationship, but not married.  No pitter patter of little feet running through the house.  Hubby had planned a really romantic trip to Montreal for my birthday.  We had also been in loose talks about getting a dog.  I realized I could solve the pitter patter problem!  I asked Hubby if we could get a puppy instead of the trip.  He said yes!  Now, I know how to pick out dogs.  I know to check carefully for hip and eye checks of both the parents and to ask things about the temperament.  We were going to dutifully check out many different breeders until we found one we were comfortable with.  All that went out the window when we went to the first breeder and saw our baby!  He was wrestling all the other puppies who seemed to be rather sleepy.  The breeder said not to worry about his tummy being so big, he had somehow broken into the room with the food and they found him eating merrily in the bag of food.  Well, that just proved his was meant to be ours!  (Hubby and I might both have rounder tummies as well!)  Luckily, the breeder was great and showed us all the documentation we should have asked for in the first place.  All those things that we found so adorable ended up being our curse for the first two years.  He needed to be walked for hours just to calm him down.  And, to be honest, the food thing is still a bit of an issue.  He is now almost eight and still has such a special place in my heart.  He is my buddy and has been my shoulder to cry on through the rough patches.  He is such a goof, which makes him a perfect part of our family.

So there are the main players in my life.  My three leading men.  I have been so blessed by them all.  They make me better and make my life make sense. 

Hello Webisphere!

I've thought about this for a long time, and was suggested it by a very nice therapist, but I have finally decided to take the plunge.  Here is my blog, journal, musings, or whatever you want to call it.

First things first, about the title of my blog.  When people used to ask me "A penny for your thoughts", a standard response from me was "I would owe you some change!"  Not much is going to change here.  I have all these thoughts and musings in my head, and since the birth of my son I have no memory.  This will give me a chance to remember those thoughts for more than a day or two.

I am a mother of a five year old human boy and an eight year old boy chocolate lab.  I have been married for seven years and all of them have been happy, some happier than others.  In other words, I am blessed.  I work for a big corporation (blah!) doing data mining.  Yes, it is as boring as it sounds.  But, I have a great set up where I work from home four days a week.  I actually have a very healthy work/life balance and I am grateful I have a job that is somewhat stable.  We moved to Kitchener, Ontario in June of last year and we have completely fallen in love with the city!  So, I guess that is me in a nutshell.   How did I get in this nutshell?  Where did you find such a large nutshell?  Oh, Austin Powers!  You never get old!

Something to look forward to more than my musings, I will be adding a "what did the boy say now" section to my posts.  He is that funny!

Welcome aboard my very own crazy train!